Words of Comfort for an Unfortunate Event Other Than a Death

AA: I'm Avi Arditti with Rosanne Skirble, and this week on WORDMASTER: more advice about expressions of sympathy.

RS: Last month, English teacher Lida Baker talked about things to say. Now we move on to writing.

LIDA BAKER: "I think if you're writing someone a personal note, you would write the same things that you would say to a person. 'I'm so sorry for your loss.' 'My condolences.' If you're picking out a card to send to a person, look for a card that has on it either the word condolences or the word sympathy. For example: 'Our heartfelt sympathy.' 'My deepest sympathies on your loss.'

"So those are things that are appropriate to say as well as to write when someone has died."

RS: "And to go beyond that, if you know the person that died, you can add a few personal notes to make the note a little bit more personal."

AA: "An anecdote about a memory or something, or a fond memory."

RS: "Right."

AA: "What about — "

LIDA BAKER: "Absolutely."

AA: " — an e-mail. How do you feel about (it)? I mean: it offers immediacy, but is it really appropriate?"

LIDA BAKER: "I suppose that there are people who would say that an e-mail is too casual or too informal and that you really should send a handwritten note. But I would rather receive an e-mail than nothing, wouldn't you?"

RS: "Absolutely."

AA: "Sure."

RS: "Is this something you can teach in the classroom?"

LIDA BAKER: "Normally, when we're teaching functions of this sort, the standard classroom activity is to have students role-play. But dealing with this topic, which is so sensitive, probably I would not push my students to role-play expressing condolences to somebody if they didn't feel comfortable.

"On the other hand, it is a topic that is worth spending some time on because in real life this is a skill that we all have to have. We have to know how to express condolences. So maybe instead of role-playing, perhaps bring in a scene from a movie, a funeral scene, or a little section of a book or a play. Or the teacher can write her own short, little script — just a very natural conversation that might take place at the home of a person that you're visiting after there's been a death in the family."

AA: "Let me ask you one more question. Let's talk for a second just about a different kind of loss — let's say, the loss of a job. When you find out, let's say, that a friend or someone you know has lost a job, any thoughts on what is appropriate to say in, let's say, an e-mail or a handwritten note or a phone call?"

LIDA BAKER: "To my knowledge, we don't have any set phrases for expressing sympathy in the event of a loss which is not a death. In other words, when someone has died, we have phrases that everyone in our culture is familiar with — such as 'I'm so sorry for your loss' or 'My condolences.' You would never use the word condolences when someone has suffered, let's say, a job loss or if they've had a car accident or some other unfortunate event.

"The words sympathy and condolences really are only used in the event of a death. But if someone has had another unfortunate event happen to them, I think I would say something like 'I'm sorry for what happened. Is there anything that I can do to help?' What would you say?"

RS: "'What can I do to help' or 'I'm sorry' ... "

AA: "'Thinking of you.'"

LIDA BAKER: "'I heard what happened. How can I help?' Again, I don't think we have any set phrase for a situation like that."