Two And A Half Men - season 2 episode 4 (Go Get Mommy's Bra)

- Hey, Alan?
- Yeah?
You had the "just say no" talk
with Jake, right?
Of course. Why?
What talk did you have with him?
No talk, it's just that he's...
It'll be more fun if you see it.
I'm guessing you don't mean
fun for me.
Tell the truth.
How proud do you feel at this moment?
What the hell is he doing?
I don't know. Ten bucks says he hits the
ceiling if we turn on the garbage disposal.
- Jake, what are you doing?
- Breathing.
Breathing. Any particular reason
you're doing that in the sink?
I have to practice.
Man, the girls are gonna love him
when he grows up.
- Jake?
- Yes?
- I'll bring him up.
- Yeah.
Hey, that's not funny.
I could have drowned.
And then we'd have found your body
days later, washed up on the dish rack.
- Where did you get all this snorkel stuff?
- Greg bought it for me.
- Greg?
- Yeah, you know, Dr. Melnick...
...Mom's boyfriend.
He's a real cool guy.
He's gonna teach me how to scuba-dive
after I learn to snorkel.
We're gonna need a bigger sink.
He's got a gigantic boat with bedrooms
on it, and scuba tanks and wet suits.
We're gonna go diving off Catalina. Wait
till you see the flippers he bought me.
Well, Judith's boyfriend
sounds like quite a guy.
- Yeah.
- You okay with that?
Oh, yeah. Yeah, I'm fine.
This can be a sensitive area
for divorced guys.
- I know.
- Ex-wife sleeping with another man.
- Son starting to bond with him.
- Yeah. Yeah.
- Big boat.
- Charlie, what's your freaking point here?
No point. Just drilling for the nerve.
So, what do you think? You wanna go
bowling today? Maybe catch a movie?
No, I'm gonna take another bath.
He does know there's an ocean
out there, right?
Well, Greg doesn't want him
in the ocean.
He wants him to spend time
training in a pool.
In fact, my son's a little unhappy
about being here...
...because he wanted to go snorkeling
in Greg's pool.
He's got a boat and a pool?
I guess you can afford
cool stuff...
...when you don't have to sell your blood
and sperm to make alimony payments.
Hey, hey, my relationship with my son
is not based on having cool stuff.
And lucky for you.
- Come on, look at the bright side.
- What bright side, Charlie?
Delineate the bright side.
Maybe one weekend Greg will let us
take a couple of chicks out on the boat.
Why on earth
would he lend us his boat?
He's tight with Jake,
we're tight with Jake. We've got an in.
Are you not hearing my pain? My son
likes Judith's boyfriend better than me.
Hey, I don't even know him
and I like him better than you.
You'd think I'd learn.
Alan. Alan, your son loves you.
You're a big influence on him.
- You are the most important role model.
- Oh, I guess.
I mean, so what if you can't teach him
to scuba-dive.
For that matter,
you can't teach him to ski...
...or hit a curve ball
or anything cool, really.
But you bring plenty of other things
to the table.
Thank you, God.
- Hello, Charlie.
- Always a price, isn't there?
- Hello, Alan.
- Jake's taking a bath.
As much as I'd love to spend time
with my grandson, I'm in a hurry.
Need to borrow your Mercedes.
Well, since you're in a hurry,
I'll give you a quick answer. No.
Charlie, please.
I'm showing a house in half an hour.
What's wrong with that
little electric car you bought?
Nothing, it's fine. It's what anybody
who cares about this planet is driving.