Two and a Half Men season 1 episode 8 (Twenty-Five Little Pre-pubers Without a Snoot-ful)

This is where I sit.

Right on. Good location.

What else?

That's the sink.

If you put your thumb over the hole,
you can squirt water

all the way over to the other side
of the room.

Cool.

I'm not allowed to use the sink anymore.

Got it.

- So, what's the deal with your teacher?
- Miss Tuttle? She's very strict.

That could work.

Did you see this drawing our son made?

It's a cry for his parents
to get back together.

Alan, it's Davy Crockett at the Alamo.

I know. Breaks your heart, doesn't it?

I can see you got your brother here.

Yeah, he wasn't thrilled about it,
but he can't say no to Jake.

And I kind of implied that Miss Tuttle
was a bit of a freak.

Excuse me?

You wanted me to get him here.
He's here. The rest is up to you.

So, come on. You gonna introduce me?

- What for?
- She's your teacher.

You're my nephew. I feel like...
Come on, just do it.

Don't you want to see my model
of a California mission?

- It's made of sugar cubes.
- Okay.

First your mission, then mine.

May I have everyone's attention? Hello.

I'm Judith Harper, the class mom.

I just want to thank you all for coming.
This is a great turnout.

Give yourselves a hand.

I understand you teachers
are sadly underpaid.

That's very true.

I'd like to do my part.
Can I buy you dinner?

So please feel free to put your name
on the sign-up sheets

if you're available
for carpools, coaching, fieldtrips.

Charlie Harper.

Jake's uncle, mentor, pal.

And finally, and this is a biggie, folks.

It looks as if we're gonna have to cancel

our annual music show
for our fourth graders.

Unless someone with music experience
volunteers to help us out.

Anyone? Anyone at all?

- Charlie?
- Yeah.

Thank you. Charlie Harper, everyone.

What?

Go ahead, say it.

You traitorous, rat bastard.

Good. You feel better?

You set me up. You lured me
into that classroom

with promises of donuts
and loose women.

I'm sorry. I honestly thought
there'd be donuts.

What about Miss Tuttle? The freak?

She's a married Christian missionary!

Okay, that I just lied about.

But it was for a good cause.
The kids really need you.

Yeah, but see, here's the problem.
I don't like kids.

- You like Jake.
- Jake's different. He's cool. He's our kid.

The rest of them.

- What other kids do you know?
- I see them.

Having tantrums in supermarkets,

screaming in movie theaters,
making everything sticky.

And the whole world gives them
a free ride just because they're cute.

Okay. Forget about the kids.
Do this for me and Judith.

Not really a big Judith fan, either.

Come on. You'll write the music and lyrics.

Judith and I
will produce and direct. Together.

Hold on.

So you roped me into this
because you think

that the three of us collaborating
on a fourth-grade tribute

to the Industrial Revolution will somehow
lead to you getting back together

with your allegedly gay ex-wife?

It's easy to make anything
sound stupid, Charlie.

Look, we're still legally married.
Frankly, I don't buy the whole gay thing.

A gay woman would not fake orgasms
for 12 years just to protect my feelings.

Okay. Take off your seat belt.

- Why?
- Because when I slam on the brakes,

I want to watch you
go through the windshield.

Don't be silly. Do you know how fast
you'd have to be going to...