Two and a Half Men season 1 episode 18 (An Old Flame With a New Wick)

- But I don't want to go to summer camp.
- Are you kidding?

You'll have a great time. Look at this one.

It's a computer camp
with a theater program.

Ethernet by day, No, no, Nanette by night.

I don't want to go to camp.

If the kid doesn't want to go,
don't make him go.

- Yeah.
- He's 10, he's old enough to work.

What?

When I was your age, I spent my summers
hosing tarantulas off bananas

in the back of my stepfather's truck.

- What's going on?
- I'm going to camp.

Okay. Morning, all. Beautiful day.

- You're in a good mood.
- Well, I suppose I am.

I got a little e-mail this morning
from an ex-girlfriend,

who says she needs to "see" me.

No kidding. I wonder if she's "knocked up. "

Nobody's knocked up.
I haven't heard from her in five years.

So she's bringing you a 4-year-old.

Believe me, nobody's bringing anything.

- Remember Jill?
- Jill the slob?

Yeah, but do you remember
how hot she was?

Sure, she was a tight unit,
but she left dirty dishes everywhere.

Swear to God, this broad left
half eaten casseroles in the bathtub.

So?

With a body like that she could drink
out of the toilet if she wanted to.

Wait a minute.
Isn't she the one who dumped you?

Somebody dumped Charlie?

Broke his little black heart.
It was pathetic.

She didn't dump me.

She had personal problems and moved
to Europe to, you know, find herself.

- Berta?
- He wept.

I did not. I felt the appropriate
amount of sadness

for a good relationship
that had run its course.

I had to carry him to bed
three nights in a row.

I was perfectly happy
sleeping under the deck.

You bring her home, you clean up after.

Thank God you never get any.

- What can I get for you?
- White wine, please.

Maybe a Chablis.

You know, make it a beer. Light beer.

Just a beer.

Another one?

Might as well.
Looks like I'm getting stood up.

Chicks, huh?

Maybe she's got a good reason.

I tell you what,
if it were any other woman,

I'd have been out of here an hour ago.

- Really?
- Oh, yeah.

This girl? This girl's something different.

How so?

Well, did you ever go out
with somebody who's not only

great in bed
but also like a really cool friend?

Yeah. Once.

In fact, now that I think about it,

the friendship was the best part
of our relationship.

No kidding?

Yeah. The sex was a little weird.

We would like wrestle to get on top.

She would actually get angry
if she wasn't up there.
Maybe she had a good reason.

Maybe.

Charlie, look at me.

- How do you know my name?
- It's me.

Me who?

No.

Yes.

Jill?

Bill.

No.

We're gonna need two shots of tequila.

- That's okay, I don't want to...
- They're not for you.

This girl you're waiting for
really must be something.

Just serve the hooch
and mind your own business.

- Listen, Charlie, I know...
- Hang on.

Okay, go.

I know this comes as a shock to you.

Please, if I had a nickel for every time

a girl dumped me
and disappeared for five years

and came back as a guy, I'd have a nickel.

Keep them coming.

I think I owe you an explanation.

Who pays the nickel, by the way?

Is it you or just out of some general fund?

Yeah?

Remember, when we broke up and I said,
"It's not you, it's me"?

Yes. And I believe you now.

I was so mixed up and unhappy
as a woman:

So?