Two and a Half Men season 1 episode 11 (Alan Harper, Frontier Chiropractor)

Okay, after I get the tickets,
you line up for the popcorn,

while I go nail down some good seats.

I want butter in the middle.
Don't just let them squirt it on the top.

And a large cherry slurpy.

Then you hold the seats
while I go to the men's room,

and then I'll do the same for you.
That way we can enjoy our drinks
during the movie without fear.

Got you.

- You're not gonna do any of that, are you?
- Nope.

So you want to go in there
with no coordination,

- no strategy, just winging it?
- That's what I'm thinking.

I have no faith in this at all.

Now for her,
I'd stand in line for a butter squirt.

Yeah, she is a hottie.

Hey, that's no hottie. That's your ex-wife.

- Judith?
- Alan.

Sorry about the squirt thing.

Wow, look at you. New hair, clothes.

You look... Wow.

- Thank you.
- No, thank you.

It's a public service

when a gay chick goes lipstick
instead of lumberjack.

So, how was the movie? Where's Jake?

Home with the babysitter.
Alan, I'm kind of on a date.

Okay, is that her?

Hi, nice to meet you. I'm the ex.

Alan, that's not my date.

- Hey, Alan.
- Phil? What a coincidence.

Phil is Jake's soccer coach.
Phil, you remember Judith.

Well, yeah...

One-Mississippi...

- Alan?
- What?

...two-Mississippi.

Oh, God.

Okay, we're all caught up.

Wait, you're dating Phil?
How can you be dating Phil?

Alan, he asked me out.

What about the whole gay thing?
Did you even give that a chance?

Phil, we'd better go.

Hey, look, Alan,
I hope this doesn't affect our friendship.

- No. Call me, we'll hang out.
- Great. Hey, how's Tuesday?

Tuesday's good.
Judith, how's Tuesday for you?

Just walk away.

I know you built your sundeck
without a permit and I am calling it in.

Alan, chill.

That two-faced, wife-poaching,
soccer-coaching, rat-bastard!

Come on, let it go.

- I'll treat you to a cherry slurpy.
- I don't want a cherry slurpy.

Are you sure?
'Cause I think Phil's gonna get one.

What does she think she's doing?

She's straight, she's gay,
she's straight again.

Place your bets.
Where she lands, nobody knows.

Alan, it's no big deal.

Women get to experiment
with their sexuality.

It's only guys who have to make a choice
and stick to it.

- Where do you get this stuff?
- I make it up.

Anyway, it doesn't matter what Judith is.

- It only matters what she's not.
- And what is she not?

She is not coming back to you, pal.

Thank you for your sensitivity.

All I'm saying is,
is that Judith has moved on with her life,

and maybe it's time for you
to do the same.

I know. It's just... I can't.

- Sure you can. I'll help you.
- How?

I don't know, by saying things like,
"Sure you can. I'll help you. "

Great, thanks.

Look, this isn't just about you, you know?

All this wallowing in the past
is causing other people to suffer.

- You mean Jake.
- I mean me.

You are really starting to piss me off.

Okay, that's enough help for now.

I'm saying maybe it's time
to stop feeling sorry for yourself.

- You're right, I know you're right.
- Forget Judith.

There's a whole world out there
that you haven't pissed off yet.

There is no reason I couldn't
find happiness with someone else.

There you go.

This could be the beginning
of the rest of my life.

A bit of a bumper sticker,
but sure, why not?