My Name Is Earl Season 1 Episode 2 - Quit Smoking

You know the kind of guy who
does nothing but bad things
and then wonders why his life sucks?
Well, that was me.
Every time somethin' good happened to me,
somethin' bad was always
waitin' around the corner.
Karma.
That when I realized I had to change.
So, I made a list of everything
bad I've ever done and,
one by one, I'm gonna make
up for all my mistakes.
I'm just tryin' to be a better person.
My Name is Earl.
The tough thing about havin'
a list of over 200 things
you've done wrong to people
is choosin' which one you're
going to make up for next.
Should I do number 73:
"Always took a penny, never left a penny"?
Count that up and see if I've
got any change coming back.
Or should it be number 86:
"Stole a car from a one-legged girl"?
You said you loved me!
Or should I tackle one of the many things
on the list that involve my ex-wife Joy?
I still can't believe that son of a bitch
won the lottery right after I divorced him.
Half that money should be mine.
Look at my bicep when I do this.
See how it pop out right there on the side?
That's new.
I'm gonna get me that money.
What's this?
I got you something to help you with your list.
It's a "quit smoking" tape.
'Cause remember number 102:
"Harmed and possibly killed
people with second-hand smoke."
Oh, yeah.
Where'd you get it? It's got jelly on it.
I showed Catalina where the good yardsales are.
I got a foot massager for two dollars.
All it needs is a new motor.
Ever since the first time
Catalina cleaned our room,
Randy's been making any
excuse to spend time with her.
Hey, how much for this tape
that helps quit smoking?
Forty cents.
- How 'bout twenty-five?
- Thirty-five.
- Thirty? -
Thirty-two.
Deal!
Hey, say: "Luke, I am your father."
Luke, I am your father.
So, you gonna quit?
Yeah, yeah, yeah. I just...
want to finish this pack first.
I don't want to be wasteful.
Number 49 on my list: "I've been wasteful."
So, what's next on your list?
I don't know. I haven't figured that out yet.
- Can I pick one?
- Yeah, why not?
Gotta do 'em all, anyway.
How 'bout...
Do-dee-doo,
112:
"Let Donny Jones serve jail
time for a crime I committed"?
Aw, man!
Donny Jones.
A few years ago, I robbed a donut shop.
To be honest,
I shouldn't have been out because I had a pretty
bad cold and I could have spread it around.
Fortunately for me,
the security camera couldn't see my face
and I'd stolen this shirt from
a friend named Donny Jones.
Unfortunately for Donny,
he had a checkered past and no
alibi for the night of the robbery.
Number four, step forward.
And most unfortunate for Donny,
he had also caught my cold.
That's him. Number four.
What?!
A jury found Donny guilty and
he served two years in prison.
- I'm not doing "Donny Jones."
- Why not?
I just don't want to, okay? I
don't even know where he lives.
Oh, they got big yellow books
to find that stuff out, Earl.
I'll quit smoking, all right? I'll do that one.
Look, I quit smoking.
- You're scared of Donny Jones.
- I'm not scared of Donny Jones.
Why are you scared of Donny Jones?
I'm not scared of Donny Jones.
That was a lie.
There aren't a lot of people on
this Earth that I'm afraid of,
but Donny, well...
- Oh, it is on.
- Donny is crazy.
Look, I'd love to take care of Donny,
but I can only do one thing at a time.
I'm gonna focus on quittin' smokin'.
I was gonna focus on quittin' smokin',
but it turns out quittin' smokin' is stressful.