M*A*S*H (MASH) S1 E21 'Sticky Wicket'

0:00:59:Okay, sports fans, you ready for the next hand ?
0:01:02:My last hand was more like a foot.
0:01:05:[ Laughing ]
0:01:09:- I thought that was funny. - When you're winning, rigor mortis is funny.
0:01:12:- How about UglyJohn ? - He's been playing the same hand for the last hour.
0:01:16:-[ Trapper ] Winning or losing ? -[ Hawkeye ] A little of each.
0:01:18:- Well, wake him up. - No. Forget it.
0:01:21:This is the first I've enjoyed him.
0:01:23:Open for five.
0:01:25:- Call. - I'm in, Shorty.
0:01:28:Stop making fun of my height.
0:01:31:What height ? You have no height to make fun of.
0:01:33:Go get some height. We'll make fun of it.
0:01:37:Hold it.
0:01:39:Oh, he hears them again.
0:01:41:- Choppers! - Come on. The war's back in the game.
0:01:47:Hey, mateys, look. Ace-high flush.
0:01:50:That was two hours ago.
0:02:02:Those cats in the north really know how to break up a poker game.
0:02:05:They saved me money, but I hate their methods.
0:02:08:[ Trapper] Why don't we have a war sometime with blank ammunition ?
0:02:12:[ Hawkeye ] We tried it. No casualties, no fun.
0:02:15:There's too much chatter. It's distracting.
0:02:17:- Especially if you don't know what you're doing. - Pierce, do you mind ?
0:02:19:- We've got five more cases. - Tell them there'll be an hour wait for a table.
0:02:23:Yeah, put them in the bar, sell them a drink. Clamp.
0:02:25:Clamp. I said clamp. Clamp ! Come on. Move it !
0:02:28:Here you go, Frank. Clamp.
0:02:30:- Colonel Blake, did you see that ? - Yeah. He's a great hitter.
0:02:33:- But he's got a lousy arm. - I don't need your help, Pierce.
0:02:36:Better check with your patient on that.
0:02:49:Psychologically, that kind of eating indicates hostility,
0:02:52:- aggression. - Destructiveness.
0:02:55:Why don't we get him to eat North Korea ?
0:02:58:What he doesn't finish, he can take home in a doggy bag.
0:03:00:- Do you mind ? - Give it some thought.
0:03:06:Pierce, I want to ask you a question.
0:03:08:No, you may not borrow my fork.
0:03:10:Why do you find it necessary to make my life miserable in the O.R. ?
0:03:14:Mainly because you're so consistent.
0:03:16:Well, I'm just trying to do my job.
0:03:18:You screwed up today like you do every other day. That's what I call consistent.
0:03:22:Well, would you mind telling me how I did ?
0:03:25:Frank, you're only dignifying him.
0:03:27:- Which is more than I would do for you. - Well ?
0:03:30:You think you're the only one who's busy. You asked for help three times today. Three.
0:03:35:Give me some salt. I can still taste this.
0:03:37:Then when you make a mistake, you're not smart enough to admit it and start over.
0:03:40:- We're not here to compensate for you. - I'll buy that.
0:03:43:- Me too. - Well, I don't buy it. - Neither do I.
0:03:46:It's a tie. Two against fifty.
0:03:49:You're inconsiderate, insulting with your nurses,
0:03:51:bloody arrogant, demanding, distracting and dumb.
0:03:54:Wow.
0:03:56:And those are your good points. You're also surgically incompetent.
0:04:00:- I — - I wouldn't let you operate on me for dandruff.
0:04:03:- Oh, this is outrageous. - You keep out of this. Where was I ?
0:04:07:- Surgically incompetent. - Surgically incompetent. Right.
0:04:11:And finally, you are a total and definitive pain in the gluteus maximus.
0:04:16:- Frank, did you hear that ? - Would you like me to translate ?
0:04:20:You can't talk to me like that.