Friends season 1 episode 6

PRE-INTRO SCENE: A THEATRE (THE GANG ARE IN THE AUDIENCE WAITING FOR A PLAY OF JOEY'S TO START)

RACHEL: (READING THE PROGRAMME) Ooh! Look! Look! Look! Look, there's Joey's picture! This is so exciting!

CHANDLER: You can always spot someone who's never seen one of his plays before. Notice, no fear, no sense of impending doom...

PHOEBE: The exclamation point in the title scares me. (GESTURING) Y'know, it's not just Freud, it's Freud!

(THE LIGHTS DIM)

ROSS: Oh, shhh, shh. Magic is about to happen.

(LIGHTS GO UP ON THE STAGE: JOEY (AS FREUD) TALKING TO A FEMALE PATIENT)

JOEY: Vell, Eva, ve've done some excellent vork here, and I vould have to say, your pwoblem is qviiite clear.
(GOES INTO A SONG AND DANCE NUMBER)

All you want is a dingle,
What you envy's a schwang,
A thing through which you can tinkle,
Or play with, or simply let hang...

(INTRO)

SCENE 1: THE THEATRE (JUST AFTER THE PLAY; EVERYONE IS APPLAUDING)

(AS SOON AS THE CAST HAS LEFT THE GANG ALL GROAN AND SIT DOWN HEAVILY)

RACHEL: God. I feel violated.

MONICA: Did anybody else feel they just wanted to peel the skin off their body, to have something else to do?

CHANDLER: (STARING AT A WOMAN ACROSS THE ROOM) Ross, ten o'clock.

ROSS: Is it? Feels like two.

CHANDLER: No, ten o'clock.

ROSS: What?

CHANDLER: (SIGHS AND GESTURES TO EXPLAIN) There's a beautiful woman at eight, nine, ten o'clock!

ROSS: Oh. Hel-lo!

CHANDLER: She's amazing! She makes the women that I dream about look like short, fat, bald men!

MONICA: Well, go over to her! She's not with anyone.

CHANDLER: Oh yeah, and what would my opening line be? 'Excuse me. Blarrglarrghh.'

RACHEL: Oh, c'mon. She's a person, you can do it!

CHANDLER: Oh please, could she be more out of my league? Ross, back me up here.

ROSS: He could never get a woman like that in a million years.

CHANDLER: Thank you, buddy.

PHOEBE: Oh, oh, but y'know, you always see these really beautiful women with these really nothing guys, you could be one of those guys.

MONICA: You could do that!

CHANDLER: Y'think?

ALL: Yeah!

CHANDLER: Oh God, I can't believe I'm even considering this... I'm very very aware of my tongue...

ROSS: C'mon! C'mon!

CHANDLER: Here goes. (HE WALKS OVER TO HER BUT JUST STANDS THERE)

AURORA: ...Yes?

CHANDLER: Hi.... um... okay, next word... would be... Chandler! Chandler is my name, and, uh... (CLEARS HIS THROAT NOISILY)...hi.

AURORA: Yes, you said that.

CHANDLER: Yes, yes I did, but what I didn't say was what I was about to say, what I wanted to say was, uh... would you like to go out with me sometime, thankyou, goodnight. (WALKS BACK TO THE OTHERS BUT SHE CALLS HIM BACK)

AURORA: Chandler?

(ENTER JOEY FROM BEHIND A CURTAIN. THE OTHERS ALL TALK AT ONCE)

ALL: Hey! You're in a play! I didn't know you could dance! You had a beard!

JOEY: Whadja think?

(PAUSE)

ALL: ...Hey! You're in a play! I didn't know you could dance! You had a beard!

JOEY: C'mon, you guys, it wasn't that bad. It was better than that thing I did with the trolls, at least you got to see my head.

ALL: (ADMITTING) Saw your head. Saw your head.

CHANDLER: (RUNNING BACK) She said yes!! She said yes!! (TO JOEY) Awful play, man. Whoah. (TO ALL) Her name's Aurora, and she's Italian, and she pronounces my name 'Chand-lrr'. 'Chand-lrr'. I think I like it better that way. (TO JOEY) Oh, listen, the usher gave me this to give to you.