Family Guy Season 2 Episode 9 - If I'm Dyin' I'm Lyin'

LOIS: [Singing]
"It seems today that all you see
"is violence in movies and sex on TV
"But where are those good,
old-fashioned values
"on which we used to rely?
"Lucky there's a family guy
"Lucky there's a man who'll
positively tell you
"all the things that make us
"laugh 'n' cry
"He's a family guy"
- We need to talk.
- Not now. The show's about to start.
ANNOUNCER:
Bryant Gumbel, Greg Gumbel...
...brothers, bike cops.
Gumbel 2 Gumbel, Beach Justice.
[Rock music playing]
You talk to Matt Lauer lately?
Played 18 holes with him on Saturday.
Told him he was soft
in the Arafat interview.
- Oh, I like Matt.
- Me, too.
[Woman screams]
My purse!
Come on, Greg. Let's roll.
[Dramatic instrumental music]
[People screaming]
[People screaming]
Taste that?
That's the taste of beach justice.
PETER: Are you crazy?
Yeah, me and Dad haven't missed
a Gumbel 2 Gumbel yet.
You're gonna miss this one, young man.
His report card came today.
No more TV until your grades improve.
Now get upstairs and study.
Don't worry. I'll talk to her.
After I get a little bit of courage
from my old friend, Mr. Jack Daniels.
Mrs. Daniels?
Is Jack in?
What?
Oh, my God! When?
Oh, I am so sorry.
Poor old Jack.
He was a wise man, but he just loved
playing with that wheat thresher.
Always playing with that wheat thresher!
Honey, hold still and let me bathe you.
You're filthy.
I'm filthy?
You're the filthy one.
What do you say to that?
How dare you!
[Sighs]
Hey, Stewie, I see your bum.
Take a good look, fat man.
And take pictures so I'll have something
to bring to court, you filthy pervert.
Hey, Lois, give Chris a break.
I mean, no TV?
He failed a class,
it's not like he felt up his cousin...
...in the garage
that Thanksgiving when I was 19.
I want you to help Chris.
Kids do better when parents
take an interest in their schoolwork.
I saw that on a two-part report on
Dateline Tuesday and Dateline Gatilsday.
What the hell is Gatilsday?
NBC invented a new day
so they could add another Dateline.
But the Gumbel show is sacred to us.
Bryant and Greg have
the kind of father-son relationship...
...I want me and Chris to have someday.
Peter, Bryant and Greg Gumbel
are brothers.
Nice. Just because they're black,
we can't learn anything from them?
If Chris gets his homework done,
you can watch it together next week.
Now come on. Help me get
the house ready for my mother.
She's coming to visit for exactly one week.
Bye, Mom.
Sheesh. What a week that was.
Okay, come on, let's watch the Gumbels.
Peter, I thought we agreed,
no TV until his homework is done.
- Mom, I'll do it after...
- Chris finished his homework.
In fact, I've been helping him study
every night this week.
Really?
Well, that's great. Enjoy your show, boys.
You bet we will.
Tonight, Katie Couric guest stars
as a very perky crack whore.
Dad, when you said, "Chris finished his
homework," were you talking about me?
Because if you were,
I think you just lied to mom.
Chris, everything I say is a lie,
except that and that.
And that. And that. And that. And that.
And that.
This is an Action News 5 News Break.
- I'm Tom Tucker.
- And I'm Diane Simmons.
Tom has dared me to do the news topless.
I've got the goods, but have I got the guts?
Find out at 11:00.
If you're waiting for Gumbel 2 Gumbel,
you're out of luck.
That show has been canceled.