Drink This Instead of Coffee, You Wussies!

Drink This Instead of Coffee, You Wussies!
It's Full of Vitamins! Now Drink It!

By Mike Thomas

Get out of bed, you wussies!
Your momma isn't here so don't go crying because I don't care! You're all alone, see?
Oh! You're tired! You just got off your 20 mile hike and crawled your sickly butts into bed a half hour ago? Well, that's all different! Stay in bed and cover yourself with your blankies.
I'm kidding, you wussies! Now move it! Move it! Move it!
You're tired? You wussies don't know what tired is! I haven't slept since the Carter Administration! You have no idea what tired is!
How have I managed to stay awake? I shout everything and I eat wussies like you for breakfast! That's how!
I also have a special breakfast drink that puts a little kick in my step and makes me happy! Really, really happy! Oh so happy! You want to be happy like me, wussies?!? I CAN'T HEAR YOU!!!
First, you get two glasses of orange juice! If you can't find orange juice, use whatever that crap is they serve down at the mess tent!
Now put it in a blender! Stop crying or you'll go for another 20 mile hike! With full battle gear! Your momma won't even help you now! Who do you think paid for you to come to this summer camp?!?
You can ask our chef, Curly, if you can borrow his blender! No, you can't use the phone to call home! Who do you think you are?!? ET?!?
Now plop an habenero pepper in! Do you hear me?!? I said DO YOU HEAR ME?!? Now turn the blender on to its highest setting! Now throw in a quarter cup of finely shredded carrots!
Do you think I'm stupid?!? I KNOW you're eight! But you'll never make it to nine by crying like little babies!
Now drizzle in a tablespoon of honey!
This drink is chock full of vitamins and flavor! Vitamins and flavor, you wussies! It's got A! It's got C! It's got potassium! And it's yummy! Do you hear me?!? It's yummy! And that hot pepper will keep your innards warm and put hair on your chest! Yeah, I know you're girls! But you don't need to act like little school girls!
What's that?!? No, you can't have coffee instead! You wussies are far too young to drink coffee! It'll stunt your growth! And besides - we care about your health and well being! Do you hear me, wussies? We care about your health and well being!